


You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

by BackattheBein



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Also it's deeply emotional so yeah there's that, Did I Mention Angst?, Forgive Me, Heavy Angst, I'm so sorry, If you're not in a good mental state rn (like me) DO NOT READ, It's like angst central here, M/M, You might be an emotional puddle after reading this, major feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 03:43:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9954203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BackattheBein/pseuds/BackattheBein
Summary: Just to let you know, this comes from a place of pain. Without getting into too much detail, there was a death in my family recently and it's got me shaken up pretty badly. Writing this has sort of helped me with my feelings and working through my grief.I hope you like it.Sorry for the cliffhanger. I hope you don't hate me after this. Better, more fun and friendlier fics are on the horizon.





	

            _He was too young_ , that’s all he could think to say.

            Riggins didn’t think he’d ever be able to forgive himself. He knew that he hadn’t tried hard enough to bring in Icarus the first time, but he never expected it would backfire like this. Riggins had always had a bit of a soft spot for the boy – no, young man – ever since they first met. _He_ was the one that really convinced Riggins that he wasn’t crazy, that there was some sort of greater connection of the universe.

Now, he just wished that those tangential connections, as _he_ would’ve called them, hadn’t brought them together in this way one last time. He imagined that Icarus might have thought of him as a father figure; Riggins felt strangely like he’d let him down in some way. He felt his heart, or what was left of it after years in the CIA, start to crack. Compartmentalizing his emotions like he always did, he took one final look at only a crowd that _he_ could have drawn, and then quietly left.

            If anyone had noticed that Riggins had come and gone, they certainly said nothing. They were more preoccupied with what was in front of them. It was the reason that they’d all gathered there today.

            __________

            _God, how can he be so well-dressed, so beautiful, even now?_

            As much as he wanted to look away, Todd’s gaze was rather fixed on Dirk. Dirk’s body, dressed impeccably in the only tux he’d owned, a fitted black suit with a thin green tie. Dirk’s body, the best dressed in the entire room, despite being the least alive.

            Amanda had helped Todd pick out the coffin. He thought he had been stuck between something flashy like Dirk’s personality and something simple, but really, he had been stuck on Dirk. Even now, staring at him, laying peacefully in a simple yet elegant oak coffin, he struggled to say it to himself. _I can’t believe he’s gone. God, it’s so hard to say! I can’t even think it. Dirk is … he really is …_

            Just saying it didn’t feel as permanent to Todd as staring at the handsome body in front of him: the auburn hair, styled close to how he would have liked it, but somehow off a little; the innocent face, lacking any of its usual stretch marks from smiles that it would no longer beam out; the hands that had almost touched Todd’s so often, but now never would …

            Todd had to steel himself from the last thought, shaking his head to get it out of his mind. Why was he thinking about Dirk like that? His best friend was dead and he was only _now_ thinking about wanting something more out of their relationship?

            Amanda felt Todd shacking slightly next to her. She let more tears fall as she put her arms around her brother.

            As soon as she had found out, she had decided to let go of her anger at Todd. Unfortunately, it took something like this to make both of them realize that they had been living dangerous lives. While she wouldn’t give it up for the world, the revelation made Amanda feel like she and Todd should clear the slate and let go of whatever animosity they had between them. She couldn’t imagine losing him too, no matter how upset or angry she got with him sometimes.

            It had been the Rowdy Three who had encouraged her to talk to her brother. Last Tuesday they were hanging out in a field like they normally would on any given day, if people like them and the things they did could be considered normal. She had been dance battling with Vogel and Cross when the boys suddenly stopped dancing. They all had looked up pensively, as if sensing something. Martin had tossed Amanda her phone, and she called the only person she ever felt like calling. The boys surrounded and comforted her as Todd told her the news he had been wrestling with, unsure of whether or not to call her, when she had unexpectedly called him.

            She brought them with her on the day of the viewing; she knew that they had had a testy relationship with Dirk, but she also knew at the end of the day that they cared enough about him to pay their respects. She needed the emotional support too, unsure of how much she would be able to handle. They had actually parked the van like normal people outside of the church, and the lack of noise from the growling engine made the silence seem heavier. None of them dressed up, but they had tried to clean some of the dirt off of their faces, and they’d left the baseball bats in the van. They were also strangely quiet: Martin explained to her that they could suck the energy from sad people but that they didn’t like to because it made them sad, too.

            As everyone gathered in the church, Todd almost wished that they’d had a more private ceremony. He was thankful that Amanda and Farah were there. He could tell it was just as hard for them; Farah, although she was trying her best to be a comforting stoic to her friends, felt a deep sadness and sensed that she was cracking and breaking open in spite of herself.

            Even though he was well aware of how often the two of them had almost died, it didn’t feel real to Todd. They always made it out. Todd would find the empty socket for the magic light bulb, the kittenshark would get the bad guys, or Dirk would inevitably lead them on “a hunch” to exactly where they needed to be, and the universe would always protect them. _It would, right? It had to! Then why didn’t it save him? Why did **I** make it out and not Dirk?_

            He knew he should move out of the way and let other people come up, but he just couldn’t seem to tear himself away. Farah moved over to Amanda, taking her into a bear hug, holding onto one another for dear life. She led Amanda away from Todd over to the Rowdy Three, but not before Farah and Todd's eyes connected, hers just as bloodshot as his but trying desperately to be strong enough for all of them.

            Todd now stood in front of the body, the coffin, Dirk, by himself, realizing how lonely he felt. Wanting to do something with his hands, he moved to ruffle Dirk’s hair, to trace his fingers delicately over the cuts and bruises from their last escape that were still healing on his face, but he thought better of it. Instead, he gingerly rested his hand on top of Dirk’s, which were clasped together on top of his chest. _He seems so small and innocent and peaceful. I can almost imagine my hands in his, feeling his chest rise and fall, falling asleep next to him…_

            Standing there, alone yet surrounded by friends, caught up in his own grief yet pining for his dead best friend and wishing they had been more than friends, Todd broke. He had managed to sit rather stone-faced for most of the night, through the teary-eyed speeches and heartfelt offerings of condolences, but he suddenly felt the weight of the moment on his shoulders. Ever since that day, the day he had lost Dirk, he’d been carrying the world on his shoulders, the Atlas to everyone else’s burdens. It was his way of ignoring what was right in front of him. After a week of trying desperately to convince himself otherwise, he had to accept the truth, which was now lying stone cold in front of him, wrapped delicately in oak. He just couldn’t hold it in anymore.

His hand was still holding Dirk’s as the tears started to fall, hot and wet as they careened down his face. They were ugly, gut-wrenching sobs, the kind that you cry over the death of a lover, and he let them flow in spite of himself, letting everything that was knotted up inside of him go. “I love you, Dirk.” he said through the gross hiccups of pain and grief.

At least, they would have been that kind of ugly crying if he didn’t stop suddenly, because out of the deafening silence of the moment, he heard the quietest, gentlest response and felt his hand rise and fall ever so slightly. It was so quiet in fact that he wasn’t even sure he heard it. No one else was close enough to hear it, and the words fell tenderly on the ears of its intended audience: the one and only man who mattered, when he absolutely needed to hear them the most while simultaneously not expecting them at all.

“I love you too, Todd.”

**Author's Note:**

> Just to let you know, this comes from a place of pain. Without getting into too much detail, there was a death in my family recently and it's got me shaken up pretty badly. Writing this has sort of helped me with my feelings and working through my grief. 
> 
> I hope you like it.
> 
> Sorry for the cliffhanger. I hope you don't hate me after this. Better, more fun and friendlier fics are on the horizon.


End file.
